Breaking Cycles and Parenting with Intention

I recently saw a video where someone was poking fun at gentle parenting, confusing it with permissive parenting—the idea that it means letting kids do whatever they want. It made me realize just how misunderstood this approach can be, especially by those who didn’t grow up with it or have only seen it from the outside.

For me, gentle parenting isn’t about saying yes to everything or avoiding consequences. It’s about teaching my children to communicate their needs and desires respectfully and to trust that their voices will be heard.

Both of my children are incredibly bright—shockingly so, in fact. They have an innate curiosity and intelligence that constantly surprises me. Because of this, I feel a deep responsibility to nurture not only their intellect but also their emotional well-being.

When my kids ask for something in a respectful way, I take the time to really consider the request. If there’s no reasonable reason to say no, and I can give them what they ask for, I usually do. Not always, but often.

Why? Because I want to teach them the importance of asking for what they want and advocating for themselves. Too many times, as both a child and an adult, I found myself not even bothering to ask for the things I wanted or needed—whether out of fear of being an inconvenience, asking for too much, or the belief that I wouldn’t get it anyway. Over time, I’ve learned how limiting that mindset can be.

I don’t want my kids to internalize that same fear. I want them to grow up knowing that it’s okay to ask for what they want, and that their desires are valid. Even when the answer is "no," I make it a point to explain why. I want them to understand that even if they don’t always get what they ask for, their voice still matters.

Boundaries, Not Permissiveness

One of the biggest misconceptions about gentle parenting is that it’s permissive, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Gentle parenting is about setting boundaries with compassion, not control or fear. It’s about helping my children understand the why behind rules and decisions, and doing so in a way that respects their growing autonomy.

For example, if my son or daughter is having a hard time regulating their emotions, I don’t immediately jump to consequences. Instead, I try to get to the root of what’s really going on. What triggered the emotional response? How can I help them navigate it? And most importantly, how can we talk through solutions together?

Breathwork has been a vital tool in this process. I teach my children to use their breath as a way to calm themselves, regulate their emotions, and refocus when they’re overwhelmed. Whether it’s a moment of frustration, anxiety, or sensory overload, we use simple breathing techniques to help them ground themselves. It’s amazing how a few deep breaths can shift their entire energy, bringing calm to what was once chaos.

That doesn’t mean I avoid consequences altogether. Boundaries are still important, but I believe they can be enforced with empathy and understanding rather than harshness.

Breaking the Cycle of Fear-Based Parenting

This mindful approach to parenting stems from my own experiences as a child. I grew up in an environment where physical punishment and fear-based tactics were common. The consequences I faced weren’t about teaching or guiding me; they were about control, and they left lasting emotional scars. As an adult, I’ve needed therapy to help me heal from those experiences and unlearn patterns of fear and anxiety that were ingrained in me as a child.

I don’t want my children to have to heal from their childhood. I want them to grow up knowing that consequences don’t have to involve fear or physical pain. I want them to feel safe expressing themselves, even when they’ve made a mistake or are upset. The idea that you can guide and set limits with love, respect, and compassion is central to how I parent.

Unique Challenges of Autism

In our family, we suspect that my son may be on the autism spectrum, which adds another layer of complexity to parenting. We are working to have this formally diagnosed but the wait times are a bear. His sensory sensitivities and emotional regulation can make certain situations more challenging, and I have to constantly adapt my approach. But at the end of the day, the goal remains the same: to respect his unique needs while maintaining structure and consistency.

Breathwork has been particularly helpful in these moments, giving him a tool to manage sensory overload and emotional dysregulation in real-time. It’s one of the many ways I’m trying to equip both of my children with life skills that go beyond the moment.

Breaking Generational Cycles

This approach to parenting is different from how I (and many of us) were raised. In previous generations, parenting often involved more rigid rules, consequences based on control, and less emphasis on emotional intelligence. It can be hard for older generations to understand why we’re doing things differently, and I often receive commentary from well-meaning family members.

But I believe that parenting styles evolve, just like we do. My goal isn’t just to raise kids who “behave” or follow the rules. I want to raise emotionally intelligent, resilient children who feel heard and respected, and who know how to express their needs and wants. I want to break the cycle of fear-based parenting and build a foundation of trust, love, and mutual understanding.

And I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not perfect. This journey is one I’m learning in real-time, right alongside my children. Every day brings new challenges, new opportunities for growth, and new lessons in patience and compassion.